Two Different Perspectives…

Renée’s parents divorced when she was about three and she spent a number of years in foster homes separated from her father and brother.

During that time in her life she began having re-occurring nightmares about her alcoholic mother. Her mother had actually kidnapped her when she was a child… more than once. These disturbing dreams would continue to haunt her clear up through her high school years.

When she was at last reunited with her father and brother, shaken and insecure, she felt that she had to prove herself worthy of their love. With a child’s tender faith, her first prayer was, “Please God, don’t let anything happen to my daddy!”

Renée resolved in her heart to be the perfect daughter and sister and to never give anyone a reason not to love her.

The Perfect Wife…

When we met, married and started our family, she extended her resolve to be the ‘perfect’ wife and mother. Remembering her painful past, she had fixed in her mind the idea that she would be the ideal loving mother, who would nourish her little children and protect them from all harm. Then Jessica entered our lives, and she found herself facing the ultimate challenge.

Renée’s ‘Haunting Past’ Returns…

As Jessica’s life turned more and more away from the normal, the demons of Renée’s past returned to haunt her. Her world was beginning to unravel and there was very little she could do to control it. This was an all too familiar feeling and she was slowly devastated. We moved through a constant world of doctors and tests and puzzled looks and exhaustion. When would this be over? She couldn’t bear the thought.

In the ‘Jaws of the ‘Beast…’

Jessica lay sleeping calmly in the jaws of the enormous CAT scan machinery. She looked so very normal lying there in the dimly lit room, wearing her little pink dress, white frilly socks and patent leather shoes. There was a slight clicking sound and a bright red cross-hair appeared from above, centered on her tiny forehead. Then, a slight whirring could be heard as her metallic bed moved imperceptibly. The whole scene was once again very surreal like a bad science fiction movie… but all too real.

Renée’s head was spinning with a torrent of emotions as she watched from a distance. In her mind she thought…

‘What has happened… this can’t be real… there can’t be anything seriously wrong… I refuse to believe it!’ 

And in the background, the massive machine continued to click… pause… whirr… click… pause… whirr… and her heart sank lower and lower, and the panic, fear and insecurity of her youth, began to seep slowly back into her heart.

With a mother’s optimism she had assumed that we would find the answer and settle on a solution. Probably some miracle of modern medicine, and all would be well again. A long term disability in her precious little Jessica was not an option and it just couldn’t happen.

The CAT scan was completely normal.

Our Perspectives on a Collision Course…

There was “No abnormality, no damage, her brain appears normal in every way,” the doctor said, as we peered at the x-rays of her upper skull and brain. “I see no possible physical cause for her seizures,” a phrase that would be repeated over and over again as the years inched by. “Nothing remarkable to report,” he said, matter-of-factly.

As I stared at the images of Jessica’s head, photographically sliced in quarter inch sections, like a loaf of bread, from the top down to her petite little nose. I couldn’t help but think to myself, ‘Wow, just to be able to look inside her head so easily, without pain or surgery. That is ‘remarkable’ in itself!’

I don’t know why, but I have always been able to keep calm in a crisis. Everything kind of slows down and I can think very calmly towards my next move.

Hopeful…

As I assisted the nurse in my lead apron that day, I watched Jessica sleeping and thought to myself…

‘Maybe we will figure this mystery out, but it may take awhile. Yet on the other hand, maybe this is it! Maybe Jessica’s beyond help. It could be too late.’ 

I glanced up at Renée waiting in the control booth. I thought I could see tears in her eyes.

My mind was calmly checking off our options…

‘We needed to do something; actually everything possible, to preserve whatever it was that Jessica had left, until we could find the answer; therapy or whatever was needed, as we continued the search, in the months and maybe years ahead.’

‘This wasn’t going to be easy,’ I thought. I resolved to fight to the finish, starting right now. I found a new commitment.

Helplessness…

At that same moment as she watched through the glass, Renée’s mind was spinning. She was not fully comprehending what all of this might mean and she was feeling more and more helpless.

‘I can’t go on like this,’ she thought.

The difference in our perspectives would become critical. We were pointing in different directions and surely heading for a major crisis.

As I look back now, I realize that I didn’t see the dark clouds gathering. I just didn’t understand the depth of Renée’s despair.

Something had to give.

Next Week: “Hitting the Wall.”

I will continue to share the answers to the question “What happened to Jessica?” every Monday in the weeks ahead. When I have received sufficient feedback and questions, I will add a Thursday episode, as needed, to this blog, focused on answering your questions and comments.

Thanks for your interest.

Jim, Renee & Jessica