Hitting the Wall… Denial and Anger.

My wife Renée, is a very loving and special person and it was frustrating to see her suffer so deeply. The ‘perfect’ life that she had wanted and worked towards, was slowly and inevitably spinning out of control. She was like a top that was starting to wobble… a sure sign of the crash that was coming.

As the tests mounted and the list of medical experts grew with the same puzzling results and no sure answers, the panic mounted in her heart and soul.

‘Why? Why was this happening?’

In her mind she was crying out to God.

‘No! NO! Lord, how could you allow this to happen?’

I guess you could say she was in denial, refusing to believe what was becoming slowly more obvious. Jessica might never recover from this mysterious ailment. To consider that Jessica’s problems were permanent was just too much for her.

Eventually, guilt began to take hold of her, as she asked herself the old questions, stoked by her painful childhood memories of rejection by her own mother…

‘What have I done?’

‘Lord, why are you punishing me?’ 

‘How have I failed You?’

Into Personal Despair.

As Renée was sucked deeper into despair, was also the same time that Jessica began several forms of therapy, sometimes alone, other times with other handicapped and ‘retarded’ children. As she became acquainted with the whole scene she told herself…

‘Jessica is not abnormal… she doesn’t belong here!’ 

She was feeling increasingly desperate.

Her despondency made even the simplest tasks seem insurmountable. She became more unengaged with our other children. She was unable to function as a loving wife and mother. She was trapped in a nightmare and she couldn’t wake up.

As time crawled slowly by in the seemly endless routine of therapy and doctors and genetic tests and more tests and more puzzled expressions, she was feeling more and more emotionally drained, and then her anger showed up!

Feeling Abandoned & Angry.

She was feeling abandoned by God and became increasingly angry at Him. She actually became frightened of Jessica and confused and overwhelmed by her baby’s grim future.

Not sure she had the courage to cope, she began to retreat from everything she held dear… her family and friends… church… and most importantly of all from God.

As her husband, I tried to reach her, to help her and counsel her, but she shut me out. Perhaps even resenting me, because I was able to cope, and she wasn’t. I guess in retrospect I didn’t know how to help her or what to say. I just didn’t see the breadth and depth of the problem.

Exploding with Pain.

Finally, one day at dinner, our son Jon, reached for his milk, and as children sometimes do, he knocked it over on the table and it ran everywhere! Renée exploded into a furious anger, crying with anguish as she scolded him.

Jon looked at her, dazed by her outburst, with tears in his eyes.

A new crisis was upon us!

Stunned, as I looked at them, the gravity of the whole situation began to crystallize in my mind.

I could clearly see now, the size of Renée’s anguish and pain. I had been so focused on solving the problem with Jessica, that I had been blinded to how much deeper this was hurting Renée. I felt a rush of empathy for her… I had been so very blind!

It now seemed so obvious. I felt like I had let her down.

A Mother’s Amazing Empathy.

It is undeniable, that there is an incredible link between a mother and her child that transcends understanding. I came to grips with it that day. What I had overlooked was the total empathy between them, as Jessica struggled and was racked with seizures. Renée was living it out in her own heart, and yet felt so powerless to stop it.

As I looked at her that day, I could now see a scared little girl caught in a painful nightmare that seemingly had no end.

Renée was at the end of her ‘endurance.’ She was ‘hitting the wall’ with full force.

I had to help her… but how?

Next Week: “Trusting God… and letting Go.”

I will continue to share the answers to the question “What happened to Jessica?” every Monday in the weeks ahead. When I have received sufficient feedback and questions, I will add a Thursday episode, as needed, to this blog, focused on answering your questions and comments.

Thanks for your interest.

Jim, Renee & Jessica